What's been happening.

Well, you may have noticed I've been silent for a while. There is no dramatic reason, other than I've been very busy. Busy is good, which I'm sure you know. It keeps my mind from dwelling on the things it shouldn't and I don't have time for negative thoughts. There have only been a few days recently that have been difficult as far as anxiety goes. Sometimes I get into a position, usually in front of the T.V., and I can't move. It's not because I'm lazy or even because I'm tired, but because I'm literally stuck. I get to a place where I can't seem to imagine shifting gears and doing something else. It's safe and easy where I am at that moment and I feel a sort of fear when I think of moving to another place in the house or starting a project etc.

This is one I haven't figured out yet, but I'm working on it. I think it has something to do with a fear of failure, but I'm not sure. Of course it doesn't make much sense, but that's what this is all about.

Breathing deeply.

Today has been a good day. From the moment I got out of bed, I've been productive. Sometimes I get a day like this and when it happens I wonder why it's so unusual. Of course a few bad thoughts have come to mind and I've second guessed a few things, but overall I'm in a good place.

These past two days I've pushed myself to do things that are not easy and not within my comfort zone. In recent years I've done all that I can to avoid such situations but I've realized that it isn't helping me in the long run. So, it's good to challenge myself and face fears when I can. I've socilized with someone new, I've spoken up in a meeting and I've allowed myself to get work done and to feel good about it. Not bad.

My birthday is coming up this weekend and it's my goal to try to enjoy it. Usually I feel guilty about receiving presents or spending money on things I want to do or buy. The best thing to do is live in the moment and enjoy what is right in front of me and when I feel happy I shouldn't ruin it by worrying about what will happen next. This all sounds very centered and level headed, and that is how I feel right now but I dont' know how long it will last. Be in the moment! Yes, that's it.

Robbing myself.

Sometimes anxiety says "Give me your wallet." and sadly I comply. For quite sometime now I've been out of the work force. There was a time when I thought that I could walk into any interview and walk out with an offer. Those days are long gone. Now I feel so unsure about myself that I genuinely believe no one will hire me for anything other than the most menial job. Why is that? Well, it's those negative words and thoughts that come so freely into my head. I realized today that on average I chastise myself 8 to 10 times a day by saying "You are such an idiot." or "If you weren't such a dumbass...". So who wants to hire an idiot or a dumbass? That's where I am right now. Instead of going after a great job with confidence and putting myself in a postion to earn more money and meet new people, I sit in my house thinking of all the reasons that I shouldn't even try.

The bottom line is that I'm afraid of being rejected by an employer. I'm afraid to hear some condescending comment about how they're not hiring right now etc. I'm worried that somehow employers will laugh at me for just applying. Yes, I know that this is ridiculous, but knowing that doesn't get rid of the anxiety. I keep telling myself that I'm a smart, educated, skilled, hard working person that anyone should be thrilled to have as an employee, but when it comes down to it I doubt all of those qualities.

What is it like to have courage and be resilient? I'd really like to have both of those qualities. 

So how does anxiety shape my life?

That's a good question that a lot of us are working through. I think that mostly I let anxiety come between me and a social life. Often times I want to do something and see people and go out but I tell myself I can't. I fill my head with things like "They don't really want to hang out with me" or " It will be more fun for them if I don't go" or I get worried that I'll say something stupid or make an ass of myself. It also affects my work. Since I work for myself I can easily say "Oh, if I try to do that now I'll just screw it up" or "What I'm making is just crap and no one really wants it, so why waste the time?". Yes. It's true. I really say these awful things to myself.

My hope for this blog is that it will give me a way to get rid of these destructive thoughts by sharing them and maybe at the same time other people can find a haven to do so as well. Every day I face little bits of anxiety about myself, my work, how others perceive me, my purpose in life and the general state of the world. I find myself feeling crushed under the weight of the world and the sadness and unfairness of life for so many people and animals. It's hard to brush things off and I end up carrying it around. Do you know what I mean? Are you feeling something similar?

Please join me in sharing something about your anxiety and how you are or aren't coping.
I look forward to reading your comments.
B